Some couples are just more spirited in marriage counseling than others. I remember one couple who referred to their frequent fights and conflicts as fellowship. Yes, it was tongue-in-cheek, and the first time I had heard such a creative use of the term, but the fact of the matter was that their conflict was intense. After listening to their complaints and briefly witnessing how they had fellowship - I said to them, "You don't have the 'C' word in your marriage". The 'C' word stands for COMPROMISE. They looked at each other as if I were speaking a foreign language. After an awkward silence they said, "We've never done that in our marriage." The ability to PROBLEM SOLVE and COMPROMISE is the key to any marriages success.
I explained to them that without these skills they are left with only a WIN-LOSE relationship. This is a marriage where every conflict creates a winner and a loser - so someone is always hurt - left holding the short end of the stick. They couple affirmed that described them perfectly.
THE WIN-LOSE MARRIAGE - TAKE THE TEST
We fall into WIN-LOSE when we lose our sense of unity and we become rigid in holding our positions.
If you answer "yes" to four or more of these questions your marriage relationship more than likely has become quite rigid. This means that your responses to each other maybe hash and your ability to work together in a co-operative way may be lost - for the time being. The ability to PROBLEM SOLVE is key to creating a WIN-WIN relationship - or one that you can co-operatively work together...
THE GOOD AND THE BAD OF PROBLEM SOLVING
PROBLEM SOLVING often gets a bad rap in our marriages. No one likes to be fixed. It seems that fast, cheap, not so well thought out solutions are plentiful. When we jump to solving problems before we understand our mates needs and desires we often end up with only more problems!
Training programs for students studying to become counselors, divide students up with practice partners to role play various counseling scenarios. The students are typically forbidden to give solutions. The thought is that they need to understand the clients circumstance and background before they jump in with answers. That's why if you counsel with a young or student counselor they will just repeat back to you what you tell them. It's pretty frustrating. A more experienced counselor will move into solutions much faster - quite often the first session - they have the ability to get to core issues right away.
In our last article on The Art of Squeezing Toothpaste we discussed quite a bit about understanding our mate and that the so called little things are usually tied to something of greater value - that's why we argue about little things. We noted that about 70-80% of couples problems are solved through understanding.
With all that said - after you practice your listening techniques like the Speaker -Listener - you may still have some problems to solve in your marriage. And here are some ideas that may help...
LIFT UP YOUR HEAD AND GET THE BIG PICTURE
Typically I find that even couples in extremely high conflict so often want the same thing. They really don't like when I say - "you two are so much alike." But it's true - they are. Recently I had one couple who had all but given up on their marriage. She took offense to nearly everything he did - from his work habits to - I'm serious here - how he squeezed the tooth paste. He had a great rational for each of his behaviors. So she protested and he used his logic to defend. Yet, their overwhelming fear was that they would never connect (and with divorce around the corner this was a very legitimate fear). They wanted the same thing though - a deep emotional and loving connection. When he admitted to pushing her away by rationalizing (which never worked) and she admitted to being a porcupine they started to make progress. But, their unity began to blossom when they got the big picture - that is they both truly wanted each other.
What’s your big picture? What was the original dream for your marriage? Bring your dream alive - (even if you have had to modify it some). Review your wedding vows. Take a good and grateful look at the values you do have in common.
PRACTICE BRAIN STORMING
If you find that things are too rigid in your marriage, lighten up, unwind and have a little fun doing some Brain Storming. This is where you list out all the possible solutions (even the silly ones) there may be to a problem you and your mate are facing.
Here is an example… One of the true kings of marriage conflict seems to revolve around remodeling the home or various types of home improvement. Mix up what she wants verses what he wants with an alcoholic contractor - and you get conflict!
After much planning, our home remodel began with a Bobcat driving onto our back patio at 7am with a needle nose on its front end to break up our concrete. Our little family stood around watching with wonder. When the drill hit the concrete it sounded like a bomb was going off. We ran for cover and made sure the dishes weren't falling off the selves. I thought "my neighbors will never forgive for this - neither will my dog". Our brave beagle went and hid in the back room - terrified. Why didn't they tell us we'd be in the middle of a nuclear fallout?
Along the way my wife and I had done a lot of Brain Storming. We listed out many possible ways to solve the problems we faced in doing our remodel. The first two options in any brain storming session are always easy to think up…
And if you do brain storming correctly it will lead to a lot of questions - which leads to more options for you to consider. My wife wanted us to build a new garage right in the middle of our current driveway, which stretched around the side of our house to a detached garage in the back of our property. Imagine a wife who wants two garages. We didn't argue about that! But we had to face a lot of questions as a couple.
The lists went on and on. We had to do more PROBLEM SOLVING when the work crew showed up for work about four hours per week! Our three month project turned into an eleven month ordeal!
So getting options down on paper and having the flexibility to consider and explore options is key to problem solving in marriage. What problem do you need to solve in your marriage? Make a list - start your brain storming now!
IS COMPROMISE GOOD?
So often we hear about compromising things like our values or our dreams. This of course is a negative use of the term. The type of compromise I'm talking about here is the ability to have give and take in your marriage. It's the ability to recognize the contributions of your mate. They lean your way and you lean their way the next time. The couple I started talking about in this article began to practice compromise in a simple way - let's go out to eat where you want to go tonight and we'll go out to where I want to go the next time.
CARING DAYS
Caring Days is one of the very best activities for learning compromise and servanthood giving married couples.
It goes like this - for an entire 24 hour period the focus and agenda is on pleasing your mate. There is to be no criticism or arguments and the schedule is set by the mate being cared for and agrees upon by both. Then on another day the roles are switched and the mate who did the serving becomes the giver.
So what do couples ask for?
Think up some of your own and enjoy!!
Remember the Words of Jesus - and try serving for one full day…
"If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."
Mark 9:34-36
What Happened to That Couple? (at the top of this article)
They learned:
-Marriage isn't fair and love your spouse anyway.
-If you are filled with fear of getting the short end of the stick in marriage - you will.
-Give because God has filled you up - your spouse is not the source (as in God being the Source).
-Focus on being a great giver - out give, your mate.
-Replace resentment with gratitude.
They have now passed their 25th year anniversary and raised some terrific kids - congratulations!!!
Next month I'll be writing about Stating Intentions in Marriage. If you really want to connect at a very deep and emotional level with your mate, please join us for this one!
We
do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom
of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7 No,
we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God
destined for our glory before time began.
I Corinthians 2:6
It
is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of
faith we also believe and therefore speak
II Corinthians 4:13
On
the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel.
We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.
I Thessalonians 2:4
Jonathan,
David's uncle, was a counselor, a man of insight and a scribe.
I Chronicles 27:32
Ahithophel
was the king's (David's) counselor.
I Chronicles 27:33
"To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his.
Job 12:13
And
I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you
forever - the Spirit of truth.
John 14:16-17