The Toddler Years

By Heather Logsdon

Forward by: Frances J. Harvey

THE PARENTING SERIES!

Forward by Frances J. Harvey, Office Manager
As we start our new series on “PARENTING”, we will be going through the different stages of raising children - the joys and trails they bring! TPC’s therapist Heather Logsdon, M.Ed, MFT Intern, starts us off with a very insightful and helpful article about the Toddler Years! You may ask what qualifies Heather? Not only does she have a Masters in Education and is a professionally trained psychotherapist, but she also has had toddlers and can speak from firsthand experience! God has ALOT to say in His Word about raising children. We ARE accountable for what we do with these precious gifts that God has trusted us with. So if you have a young one, or know of someone who does (pass it along), read on!
Heather Logsdon is available to see clients in Rancho Cucamonga and Chino. You can call our office at 800-998-6329 and ask to schedule an appointment with Heather. If you are not near these areas, we have over 30 locations and can schedule an appointment for you today. You can also check out website at www.turningpointcounseling.org/locations

THE TODDLER YEARS by Heather Logsdon, M.Ed., MFT Intern

My friend arrived at our weekly Bible study flustered and worn out. She had just survived an early morning drama with her two-year-old. She described a series of baking mishaps that would have made even the Keebler Elves want to hang up their spatulas. At the same time, she was anticipating a demanding day. Meanwhile, her daughter decided to color on the kitchen floor. At her wits’ end, my friend took her daughter and placed her in her bedroom, while passionately verbalizing her displeasure. Closing the door behind her, she hoped not to hear from her toddler for a few minutes, fearing she might “lose it” if there was one more run-in. As she cooled down from her heated morning, she began to feel guilty for her anger and impatience. She told us she had felt like a terrible parent. At this point, we all began to share our own “terrible parent” stories. I must admit, it was good to know I was not the only member of the “Sometimes I Feel Like a Terrible Parent” Club. I’m sure my friend felt the same way… And perhaps, if you are a mom or dad of a toddler, you are also a card-carrying member of this prestigious group.

RAISING TODDLERS: A BLESSING AND A BANE

The toddler years are full of wonder and willfulness, milestones and messes. They cause us, as parents, to be giddy with pride, and to have lots of conversations that start with “Susie said the cutest thing the other day….” Watching your once helpless baby blossom into an individual with her own abilities, desires, hopes, and fears, is nothing short of exhilarating. However, these years of human development try and tire us, at times to the point where we doubt our ability to effectively raise these tiny individuals.
Rest assured, you and your toddler will make it through the tumultuous two’s (and three’s and four’s). The goals are to come out the other side with your relationships and your sanity intact, and to end up with a child who is reasonably respectful, kind, loving, and secure.

SURVIVOR: LAND OF DEMANDING LITTLE PEOPLE

So, how do we avoid getting “voted off” (or wanting to flee) this unique “island”? Here are six timeless principles to assist you with this task:

1.       RELY ON GOD’S GRACE. Isaiah 40:11 says, “He tends his flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young.” No, He is not up there scolding you for your impatience, fatigue, or for the fact that you haven’t taught your three year old letter recognition yet. He “remembers your frame” and knows you need help… He is gently leading you. Not only that, He is holding you and your child close to His heart. Trust Him to give you the strength you need moment by moment, and don’t condemn yourself for your frailties.

2.         MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE A PRIORITY. Don’t put this relationship on the back burner. Your children will one day grow up and leave the home (hopefully). But you are pledged to be with your mate “till death do you part”!
Instruct your toddler not to interrupt your conversations with your spouse, and let him see you give hugs, kisses, and praises to each other. Maintain a date night, even if it’s playing board games after the kids go to bed. You and your spouse need to stay connected! This will give your children a great sense of peace and security, as well as add to your own peace and security!

3.      TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If you are home with your toddler all day, it can be easy to feel like you are a bondservant. And if you are a working parent, you need to be “on” at work and then “on” at home. Both scenarios are demanding. Carving out even 15 minutes a day to do something just for pure enjoyment can go a long way in keeping you emotionally healthy. Read a book, email or call a friend, work on a project, take a bubble bath. And don’t overlook the importance of eating well and getting some exercise.
Maintaining your walk with God is imperative. Read scripture while your child plays. Pray while you’re driving around doing errands (if you can multitask safely!). Attend a Bible study for parents. MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) is a study group that meets in local churches, and childcare is usually provided.

4.   TEACH YOUR TODDLER GODLY PRINCIPLES. Scripture says to “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
Find an age appropriate Bible and read a little from it each day (suggestions: The One Year Book of Devotions for Preschoolers by Crystal Bowman, and The Baby Blessings Bible- Standard Publishing, Cincinnati, Ohio).
Pray with them. Toddlers are able to understand and enjoy simple prayers of thankfulness and petition.

5.       CREATE HEALTHY BEDTIME HABITS. Perhaps you have felt the mind-sloshing, body-numbing, coffee-eluding fatigue that comes with being woken up at 6:00 a.m. by a demanding, loud individual. If you are up a few times a night with your child, this scenario is even worse. A toddler who is getting insufficient sleep will not be able to function as she should during the day. Her physical health, behavior, and ability to learn will suffer, and so will that of her tired parents.   If this is the case in your household, take heart. Restless nights are not your destiny.

Diligently following some basic principles, like the ones listed below, will soon have you and your toddler spending quality, uninterrupted time with your beds.

Give your child a head’s up that bedtime is approaching, and have a consistent bedtime routine. This will go a long way in helping your toddler get into the mindset that playtime is over.
Be firm about expected bedtime routines and behaviors. You may need to explicitly state these expectations each night. For example, “We will sing one song together”, or “You may take two stuffed animals to bed,” or “Stay in your bed!”
Children at this age can find it unsettling to stay by themselves in a quiet, darkened room, out of sight of their parents. With practice and reassurance, they will overcome this fear. When you do leave your child’s bedside, say something like, “I’ll see you in the morning,” to help reassure her that the separation from you is only temporary.
Perhaps your child’s vivid imagination is keeping him awake. You can try giving him some strategies to help him feel more in control of the “things that go bump in the night”. For example, you can start a ritual of helping him check for monsters, or putting up an invisible monster shield around his bed. Praying with him at this stage will also help reinforce dependence on God.
If you have a little one who still likes to hop out of bed, escort her back to bed quickly and without commotion. Briefly remind her of your expectations, and provide reassurance. You may have to repeat this often before your toddler gets the point. Remember, you’re teaching your child an important skill that will help her throughout her life.

The toddler and preschool years are when night terrors often rear their unsettling heads. A night terror is different from a nightmare, in that your child will have no recollection of it. He may wake up screaming, causing you to run to his bedside to reassure him. However, he will not even know you’re there. Night terrors tend to pass with time, and though they are scary for parents, they do not harm your child (make sure your home is safe and securely locked up if you have a little night wanderer). They can, however, be an indication that your child is overtired. Make sure she is getting to bed early, and/or getting a chance to rest during the day.
For more information on the topic of getting your toddler to sleep though the night, read the On Becoming Babywise series by Ezzo and Bucknam. What to Expect, the Toddler Years, by Eisenberg, Murkoff, and Hathaway, also has great bedtime tips.

6.        DISCIPLINE WITH CONSISTENCY. It is normal for your toddler to try to resist much of what you ask him to do (or not do). Utilizing a balance of love and discipline, or what’s often called authoritative parenting, is imperative. If toddlers are stifled by overly restrictive parents, they will miss out on the important task of developing autonomy. Yet if parents are too permissive, the child will not learn boundaries and can feel insecure. Don’t punish your toddler for behavior that is normal, i.e. experimenting with the texture of the dirt in your potted plants. If you have not told your child that it’s off limits, she is merely doing what she is supposed to do - learn about her environment.
Do make clear to your toddler what is off limits. If you have items that you absolutely don’t want your toddler touching, play it safe and find somewhere else to store them for awhile. Also, keep your toddler’s environment full of fascinating and safe objects that you’re okay with her exploring (your old Tupperware set, empty plastic bottles, and of course, her toys).

Once toddlers know what’s expected of them, and what’s off limits, most will push the envelope over and over again. Just expect it.   At this point, they need to know someone’s in charge. You have lived much longer than your toddler and truly know what’s best for him right now. When he is older, he will get to discern this for himself. But for now, you’re the boss. If you are trying to gain, or regain, the title of “boss” with your toddler, expect him to buck against it for awhile. He’s just trying to find out if you’re serious. Hold the line, and he will get the point eventually!
A positive way to mold your child’s behavior is to divert him from something destructive to something constructive. If your two-year-old is fascinated by his aunt Martha’s vase during a visit to her home, steer him toward the basket of children’s books she put out just for him. Ideally, after one or two times of doing this, your youngster will comply. If this doesn’t work, however, be firm and explicit-“You may look at the vase, but not touch it. It could break.” If your youngster dons the “oh yeah?” face and proceeds to touch it again, look him square in the eyes and say he will get a spank (or time out) if he touches it again. Then follow through on this promise.

Many times, natural consequences for aberrant behavior can be quite effective. For example, if your toddler colors his impressionist version of the Mona Lisa on the wall, he has to help wash it off and can’t use crayons for the rest of the day.
Time- outs can be a very effective tool for discipline when a child is having trouble controlling her actions. For example, if she wrestles a toy away from her little brother, seat her bottom on a chair or in a corner of the room. Tell her she is on time out, and why. Depending on the youngster, you may have to hold her there till she understands she is to stay where you’ve put her. Often, she is so eager to play that having to sit in one place and think about what she’s done is torture - many toddlers find this worse than a spanking. When her time-out is over (a guideline is to keep it at 1 minute per year of age), have her tell you why she was on time-out, and then have her apologize to her brother (or go put her books away on the shelf, get dressed, or whatever the missed requirement was).

Starting at around 15 months, mild corporal punishment can be used (i.e. a slap on the hand or spank on the bottom). This kind of consequence should be infrequent, and reserved for outright defiance, or dangerous behavior that you’ve admonished your child not to engage in (i.e. running into the street). Never spank when you are feeling angry or out of control. Leave the room for a couple of minutes if you have to, or go scream into a pillow. This is a much better alternative to harming your child. It is normal to become angry when confronted with a toddler’s misbehavior. Anger becomes destructive, however, when you let it control your interactions with your toddler. If you are struggling with controlling your anger around your child, seek help! Don’t try to overcome it alone!
Raising a toddler can be one of the most demanding tasks you will ever undertake! It is normal to sometimes have major struggles in one or more of these six areas. If you find that you are consistently feeling defeated, you are not alone. Seek help from trusted friends, and consult with your pediatrician or a professional counselor.

Heather is available to see clients in Rancho Cucamonga and Chino. Please call 800-998-6329 TODAY and ask to schedule an appointment with Heather or a counselor in your area!