Rabbit Trails and Laser Beams:

The Art of 'Staying on Track'
When Talking With Your Mate

By Dr. Kevin Downing

Have you ever been part a Church, school or business meeting where there was no agenda or if there was one it was ignored? It's a completely frustrating and maddening experience. A little bit of this gets discussed and little bit of that, but nothing really ever gets accomplished. It turns out to be a complete waste of time.

Add a nasty fight to this experience and unfortunately this is so often what happens in marriage. I can listen to a couple in the counseling room for a minute or two and tell right away if they are able to focus their communication with each other.

David and Carol came to counseling and literally could not stay on a topic for more than a sentence or two. They had little to no understanding of each other and no closure on the things they discussed. They were primarily stuck in the classic attack/defend conflict style. Both felt hurt alone, misunderstood and unable to accomplish anything with their mate. They were quickly losing hope that their marriage could ever work. I helped them to identify their conflict styles and to avoid the pitfalls we often call rabbit trails. This enabled them to stay on track in their communication with each other. Here are some pitfalls and help on how you may avoid them…

Rabbit Trails

1. Attack/Defend (or the Criticism Shuffle)

Dave and Carol’s attack/defend conflict style was their biggest rabbit trail. It was sure to end every time in giant fight - what we call escalation. These encounters began when either Dave or Carol felt frustrated about something their mate was or wasn’t doing. So out came the attack – lobbing a criticism or character assassination the other’s way.

Police officers sometimes use what is known as a flash grenade when apprehending criminals. This extremely loud grenade with a brilliant flash of light serves to frighten, disorient and confuse anyone in its path. It is often thrown into the back portion of the criminal’s home to create a diversion along with great chaos. (Image a grenade going off in your home at 4:30am!) Mean while other officers enter through the front door for the take down. Criticism in your marriage can be just as chaotic and confusing but without any positive results. It can leave your marriage spun out and completely off track.

Let's ease drop in on one conversation when Dave and Carol were discussing who will pick up her daughter from soccer practice. Carol begins by pointing out that she's shuttled their daughter the last five times in a row and says that it's now Dave’s turn. Dave returns by accusing Carol of constantly nagging him and never being happy with anything that he does. He points out the shelves that he built for her recently in the closet as an example. Carol responds by explaining her real comments about the shelves. She goes into great detail why she's really not nagging. She says the problem is about Dave and points out numerous flaws she believes that Dave has. In only a few brief interchanges this couple got completely off-track and chasing rabbit trails on their road to escalation and an ugly fight.

2. Debating History

Debating history is when you and your mate argue over the facts or details of a past event. It may sound something like this.
“Did you see that car?”
“Yeah it went down the street and it turned right.”
“No it turned left.”
“Excuse me. I have eyes. It turned right.”
“Hello I have eyeballs too, it turned left.”
“It turned right.”
“It turned left.”
“Right”
“Left”

And the debate sounds like a couple of four year olds. Have you ever heard children argue? It sounds like this…
“Did not”
“Did too”
“Did not”
“Did too”

You may be asking “Isn't history important? You just can't ignore the past.” Actually history is very important especially when you need to exercise forgiveness or have a good understanding of past hurts and wounds. It’s hard to be emotionally and spiritually intimate with your mate if you don’t know each other’s history. So, exploring your history can be incredibly valuable. But simply debating what happened in time past is often a fruitless endeavor. Really the only way to solve these dilemmas is to get in a time capsule go back in time, take a video of what happened and bring it back for proof. And since none of us have a time machine this is an impossible task. The best way to handle these disputes is to simply say you have a different recollection. You need to agree to disagree and simply say, “Your perception was not what mine is.” Ground rule number two… avoid debating history.

Laser Beams

1. Pray and ask God for a spirit of wisdom and understanding…

Between you and your mate. Ask that Christ’s love would dominant your heart as you communicate with your mate. Remember the scripture that says,
“Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold.” Proverbs 3:13-14

2. Clearly identify in your mind what your question or agenda is…

Before you start talking. Thinking out loud is not a good idea if you have been having conflict with your mate. Make this question or thought your laser beam. Make sure you stay on this topic. If it is a question – make sure you ask it and that you get an answer. If you don’t get an answer ask it again. (Sometimes I ask three or four times…nicely of course!) If you don’t get an answer say, “It doesn’t look like I’m going to get an answer to this question – should I ask you later – or is there no answer?” Persistence with grace is a good thing!

3. Move the spotlight

Moving the spotlight is something you can do if your spouse has been criticizing you on a regular basis. The natural temptation when criticized is to defend yourself. Rather than do that, turn the spotlight or put the focus back on to your mate. You might say something like…
“You seem really frustrated with me.” “Is what I'm doing bothering you?” “I’m hearing a lot of things you don’t like about me, but, what exactly is it that you want from me?
Or – “How can I be more helpful to you? You seem really bothered by several things…”

These are all great ways to defuse criticism from your mate. As we talked about in past articles, “inside every criticism is a request”. See if you can help your mate identify what they want and what exactly their request looks like. Remember we want requests to be observable and measurable. If you ask your mate to be more respectful it doesn't mean much. That's open to a lot of interpretation. But saying, “I want you to greet me when you come home and when you leave the house. When we’re in public please introduce me.” Now here is a request that is very specific and doable.

4. Write it down

For real controversial topics it's a great idea to write your question down on paper. Make a few agenda items along with your goals and what it is that you want to accomplish. You'll be amazed at how much more focused and productive your conversations will be with your mate. Like so many things in life if you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time. So take good notes and make sure you clarify your questions and your goals as specifically as possible.

So what ever happen to Dave and Carol?

They made great progress. Getting rid of their attack/defend problem as well as debating history were major steps in moving them forward in their marriage. They also learned to get out of the house and have a weekly marriage meeting. Their home (like mine and most of us) is full of distractions and projects.

Next month I’m going to share with you an outline and some great tips on how to have a meaningful, productive and emotionally intimate meeting with your mate. If your marriage is weak this will give you some amazing muscle!

Join us next time and give Turning Point Counseling a call for some fast immediate help. (800) 998-6329

Rabbit Trails and Laser Beams:

The Art of 'Staying on Track' When Talking With Your Mate

By Dr. Kevin Downing

The Art of 'Staying on Track'
When Talking With Your Mate