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THE PARENTING SERIES!
UNDERSTANDING ADOLESCENTS
By Gloria Henderson, ABD, M.A., M.S., MFT Intern

Forward by Frances J. Harvey, Office Manager

As we continue our new series on “PARENTING”, we now enter the adolescent stage - Pre-teens and teens! TPC’s therapist, Gloria Henderson, MFT Intern, shares on how to effectively communicate with this age. We get a “quick” lesson in the world of “teen talk” and how to begin to understand their language! As she continues, Gloria shares ten steps on “How to bridge the divide” and what our role and responsibilities as parents are! If you are struggling in this area….DO MISS THIS ARTICLE!!!!

Gloria is available to see clients in Irvine. You can call our office at 800-998-6329 and ask to schedule an appointment with Gloria. If you are not near these areas, we have over 30 locations and can schedule an appointment for you today. You can also check out website at www.turningpointcounseling.org/locations.htm

Understanding Adolescents

By Gloria Henderson, ABD, M.A., M.S.

Not long ago, communication with and understanding adolescents was difficult enough. Now the technology age has made it even harder. How many times have you listened or seen a message from a teenager that made no sense at all? It looks something like this:

“K IC. OMG GF NP! IMO UR GR8. Going 2 WRK. C U @ 7. BTW UR BF QT! CYA UR BFF.”

Can you translate that message? Most parents and adults cannot understand what adolescents are saying to each other, so here’s a little help.

“Okay, I see. Oh my gosh, girlfriend, no problem! In my opinion, you’re great. Going to work. See you at seven. By the way, your boyfriend is a cutie! See you later, your Best Friend Forever.”

With each new generation, adolescents and adults continue to be worlds apart. How many times have you heard: “It’s not fair! You just don’t understand! You don’t know what it’s like to be my age! Grownups just don’t get it! When are you going to try to see where I’m coming from?” As the parent, you have probably caught yourself sounding like your own mom or dad, “Because I said so. It’s not open for discussion. You can argue as much as you want, that’s the rule! While you are living under my roof… Don’t walk away from me. I’m talking to you!” Although how we communicate may be different, much of what we say or do is the same as what we learned from our parents.

What is Said is Not Often Understood

Learning how to understand your adolescent involves being empathic to their thoughts and needs. Sure, you’re concerned about their well-being and you love your children, but how do your adolescents understand how much you care?

“Well, I provide food and shelter. My kids have all the clothes they need. We have dinner as a family. We go to church on Sundays.”

Those are just a few statements that Christian parents have said to demonstrate their love for their children. However, adolescents may not feel the affection from their parents as in their younger years. Their needs have changed. How many preteens and teens are comfortable hugging and kissing their parents goodbye when they are dropped off at school? How many of them are happy to call their parents to let them know that they have reached their destination as planned (friend’s house, mall, school, etc.)?

Sometimes, it isn’t what you say. It’s how you say it, or how others might interpret it. When you say, “I give you food and shelter,” your child may hear, “If you don’t do it my way, then you can’t live here.” When you say, “You have all the clothes you need,” you child may hear, “Well, I don’t really care what you wear or how you fit in with your friends. So what if people make fun of what you are wearing. Who cares?”

Parents might hear their children complain: “Why can’t I stay out later on the weekends like Jennifer does? How come you never listen to what I say? You don’t spend any time with me.”

At this age, children need reassurance, comfort, and the ability to discover who they are. Developmental psychologist, Erik Erikson, identified 8 stages of social-emotional development of which the fifth stage deals with adolescence. In this stage of identity versus role confusion, adolescents are trying to discover, “Who am I?” They experiment, rebel, and are full of self-doubt. In learning how to achieve and being successful in new ways, they learn to discover who they are and who they want to be. Adolescents need the ability to grow in a time that they are no longer little children, but growing physically, emotionally, and mentally into more mature individuals.

Getting Out of the Cycle

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:1, 4

Teaching our children is important, but understanding their perspective and point of view is also important. As Christian parents, we must model and teach the appropriate behavior to help our children grow into functional and happy adults. Our job as parents does not end when children learn to become independent. In many ways, the responsibilities we face with adolescent children are greater than ever before.

How can I get my kids to listen to me? I tell them what they need to do, and they just get mad. We usually end up in an argument and they just lock themselves up in their rooms. They frustrate me!

You probably don’t remember when you were a teenager, but you may remember telling yourself at that age, “I am never going to treat my kids like my parents treat me! They just doesn’t understand how hard it is to be a teenager!” Now that you have a teenager, you probably don’t remember what it was like to be one. The cycle doesn’t end unless someone is willing to change it. You may think or use a verse from the Bible to illustrate your point, but what about the verse that follows?

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Colossians 3:20-21

At such a crucial age, adolescents need encouragement and understanding. Obedience out of fear will merely discourage your children. As parents, we set the rules and boundaries for our children, but we need to do so in a way to promote our relationship with them. As the adults, we can learn how to change our behavior to help affect our children’s behavior. Here are ten steps to help you accomplish that.

TEN STEPS TO BRIDGING THE DIVIDE

Talk to your children and observe changes in behavior

During adolescence, your children are struggling with not only who they are, but whether or not they are accepted. Peer pressure becomes an issue. Let your children know that you support them, and that you are there if they need you. Adolescents need love and affection as they did when they were children, but they are unlikely to ask for it.

This is a time when your children may harbor anxiety about school, life after high school, friendships, success, and failure. Children may become depressed and feel that they have no one to turn to. Communication is essential. Know what they are doing and how they are feeling. Check in with them often, and look for changes in behavior that may cause concern. If you are concerned about changes in your child’s behavior, talk to them. Get your children help if you suspect that they are sad most of the time, losing a lot of weight, don’t want to participate in activities they used to love (music, sports, being with friends, going out), negative attitudes and irritability increases or no feelings are expressed, or changes in sleep patterns.

Be proactive and set clear expectations

Let your children know upfront what your expectations are and what the consequences for their behavior will be. When you know your expectations, then it is easy to abide by them. No one wants to be blindsided. During adolescence, your children are finding out who they are, and often times are not aware of how their behavior may impact your behavior. Even the simplest things may need to be outlined so both parties understand the expectations and consequences. From Internet or cell phone usage to behavior with the opposite sex. Being upfront with your children can save them from earning the consequences that will likely end in an argument where both of you walk away mad, hurt and confused. Your children will also be more likely to be honest with what they are doing.

Be consistent

Alright, what’s it going to be today? When there are inconsistencies, individuals do not often know how to act. If you expect your child to come home at a set curfew, but only give consequences when they are late sometimes, your child will learn that she doesn’t need to follow that rule all the time. If your rules and consequences are consistent, then your child will not only understand that there are consequences for her behavior, but she will also understand your expectations.

Understand their point of view

Trust is an important part of any relationship. When you raise your child in the way of the Lord, you may still be afraid of the decisions your child makes. To be reassured about your child’s intentions, ask them. Have them explain to you about their point of view. Rather than judge, empathize with their needs and feelings.

“I just don’t understand why you need to have those jeans. I’m not spending a hundred dollars on a pair of jeans!”

Being reactive is not effective. Rather than being reactive, try to understand where your child is coming from.

“Can you explain to me what is important about having those jeans? I know that they are important to you, but it’s out of our price range. Can you think of something else that might fit into our budget that you would be comfortable wearing at school? I understand how hard it must be to fit in.”

Give your children choices

Think about what you feel like when you don’t have control at work, school, or home. What if you weren’t allowed to make any decisions on your own and you had to do what someone else wanted all the time? As your adolescent grows into adulthood, he will try to assert his independence. Choices are an important part of building independence and maturity.

“I have heard you complaining about your curfew. I understand it upsets you; however, I don’t feel that I can extend your time out. However, if you want to bring your friends home to hang out, they can stay for an hour after your curfew.”

Talk to your spouse and agree to the same plan of action

How many times have you told your child “no” and then they go ask your spouse to get a different answer? Children learn to manipulate their parents at a young age, especially when it comes to getting the answer that they want. Talking to your spouse is important. Rather than answer right away, you may want to say, “Let me talk to your mom (dad) about it. I’ll get back to you.”

Let your children to learn from their mistakes

Think about what you remember most. Were they the mistakes or the achievements? More often then not, you learn more from your mistakes.

“You did what?! I knew I shouldn’t have let you drive the car! You aren’t responsible enough to handle it!”

You may want to yell and scream at your child, but what does that accomplish? Sitting down and talking with your child may lead you to understand that your child is fully aware of the mistake that he made. Discuss his feelings about what happened and what consequences he should receive. Sometimes, you may find that your child’s consequences are harsher than you would have wanted them to be.

Explain

How much did you hate it when your parents said, “Because I said so…”? A teenagers typically response would be “You never listen to a word I say” or “You just don’t get it.” When a parent makes a decision, he usually does so because he cares about his child. However, an adolescent may not understand the parent’s perspective. “You were alone in your bedroom with a boy! What are you thinking!? You know what could happen if you are alone with a boy?”

As a parent, you may be very concerned about what happens with your child and the opposite sex. Explaining the reasons behind your decision can help to strengthen your relationship. “I trust that you are making the best decisions in your relationship with Tim. But I am concerned about the temptations that teenagers have when they are alone. You may have the best intentions, but sometimes, people get caught up in the moment. I just want to make sure that you are safe. I am fine with you spending time with Tim, but I would like to you to stay in the family room with him.”

Set boundaries

Boundaries are expectations that are set so that others know how far they can go within the relationship.

When you set boundaries, you are caring about and protecting yourself. Since children often learn from us, we can show them how to create healthy relationships by showing them how to set boundaries. Setting boundaries allows individuals to discover who they are rather than to be codependent or enmeshed with others.

They can be set with a simple, “If you…, then I will…”

“If you lie to me about where you are going, then I will have a hard time trusting you.” In order for boundaries to be retained, then consequences must be enforced. “If you continue to lie to me about where you are going, then I will no longer believe you are telling me the truth and you will not be able to go out without a chaperone.”

Give reinforcement for good behavior not negative behavior

Now that your child is an adolescent, you may be reinforcing behavior that you do not want your child to repeat. Some children at this age rebel in order to get their parents to pay more attention to them. “I told you not to do that! Why don’t you ever listen to me?” This response is not a positive response, but it is attention. If your child feels that he hardly receives attention anymore, you may need to look at whether or not they are crying out for help.

“I am really proud of you for getting a B in Math. That is one of the harder subjects for you. I am glad that you are doing so well.” This form of positive reinforcement allows an adolescent to understand that you notice how well she is doing. Positive reinforcement can be praise, attention, and materialistic objects.

“If your room is clean every day for a week, then you won’t have to do the dishes all weekend.” This is negative reinforcement. By taking away a chore, you are strengthening the behavior for another chore that your child may have difficulty completing.

“You broke curfew, so you will be grounded next weekend”. This is punishment. The consequence of grounding should weaken the behavior of breaking curfew.

Parents are Instrumental in the Lives of their Children

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Being a parent is hard work. Understanding adolescents can be harder than anything else you have ever done. However, when you raise your child in the ways of the Lord, he will learn from it. Your role as parents is to love and nurture your child, keeping their hopes and dreams alive, reinforcing their good behavior, and teaching them right from wrong. You can offer them guidance in ways that others cannot. With patience and understanding, you can provide your children the opportunity to be successful individuals in a healthy family system.

What is a parent if not for the love of a child?

Love is patient,
Love is kind and is not jealous;
Love does not brag and is not arrogant,
Does not act unbecomingly;
It does not seek its own,
Is not provoked,
Does not take into account a wrong suffered,
Does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
But rejoices with the truth;
Bears all things,
Believes all things,
Hopes all things,
Endures all things.
Love NEVER fails

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

Gloria is available to see clients in Irvine. Please call 800-998-6329 TODAY and ask to schedule an appointment with Gloria or a counselor in your area!