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THE PARENTING SERIES!
INFLUENCING BEHAVIOR IN SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN
by Nicole Bennett, M.A. MFT Intern

Forward by Frances J. Harvey, Office Manager

As we continue our new series on “PARENTING”, we pick up with Elementary school age children! This month we have two perspectives on this age. TPC’s therapist, Nicole Bennett, M.A. MFT Intern, shares on how to influence good behavior. She gives an insightful tool to use for those frustrated parents that can’t seem to get their kids to do anything without the big drama fight every time! Nicole specializes in childhood developmental disorders, play therapy, relationship issues, divorce recovery, crisis therapy, and healing resulting from past traumatic experiences. She provides psychotherapy to individuals, couples, children and families, as well as provides therapeutic support to foster children, their foster and birth families.

Nicole is available to see clients in Rancho Cucamonga and Victorville. You can call our office at 800-998-6329 and ask to schedule an appointment with Nicole. If you are not near these areas, we have over 30 locations and can schedule an appointment for you today. You can also check out website at www.turningpointcounseling.org/locations

INFLUENCING BEHAVIOR IN SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN
by Nicole Bennett, M.A. MFT Intern

INTAKE SESSION
“We just don’t know what to do!’ ‘ We’ve tried everything short of bribery and we can’t get our 7 year-old son, Ian, to listen to us or take us seriously, do what he is told or complete his chores at home.” I listened intently as Mary, Ian’s mother, shared her feelings of guilt. Due to her working a full-time job she is too tired and short on patience during evening time when Ian wants to play games or share some activity with her. David, Ian’s father, adds that “it’s like pulling teeth to get Ian to clear his dishes from the table after dinner or perform tasks asked of him without an argument.’ ‘He bickers with his sister constantly, even though they are very close.” Ian’s teacher has been sending home citations; sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, with a report of some act of defiance or disruption in class by Ian. His teacher indicates that Ian refuses to complete his class assignments replying that he “doesn’t feel like it.” Mary and David came in for counseling as a last ditch effort to help them out with their boy. The moment I laid eyes on Ian during our first intake session, I knew that I had my hands full! Ian is cute, charming, well spoken and very intelligent little boy; but manipulative and strong-willed to say the least! I asked myself, “how can I influence this child in a positive way?”

A few sessions into our therapy process, I introduced an intervention to be implemented (consistently) in the home with Ian by David and Mary for the next month. I suggested the reward system as an intervention to assist Ian in improving his relationships. David and Mary wants therapy for Ian for the purpose of helping him feel better about himself. More so, they’d like assistance from in helping them gain some level of parental control with Ian, as well as stimulate and improve his self-esteem, competency and self-worth.

Child development experts agree that kids who believe they are competent and worthy develop an “I can do it!” attitude for coping with the problems and frustrations of life. God has blessed me with the opportunity of working with children and their families providing psychotherapy services to assist them in many areas such as developmental transitions and the healing process due to life difficulties. School age children (5 – 12 years of age) experience major developmental milestones during this period, as they are learning many new skills such as: socialization, developing new tasks and the like. It is also during this period of development that children learn how to be successful in the world by adhering to socially acceptable rules, as well as develop their personality through independence and experiences.

HELP! HOW DO I GET MY SCHOOL AGE CHILD TO HEAR ME AND OBEY?

For many parents I’ve worked with, their major frustration is dealing with opposition and defiance from their children as they become more independent. There are many interventions available to help combat your child’s difficult behaviors and growing pains during the “middle years.” One intervention I’ve used in my therapy with children with much success is the rewards system, also known as a “Token Economy System”, has been a godsend in terms of motivating positive change, and improving self-esteem and worth. The foundation of this system is the use of a motivational chart to document your child’s progress and behavioral changes. Although a motivational chart could easily be created with just paper, pen and some creativity at home, I’ve had tremendous success with the “Good for Me” reward kit, which can be purchased at the Lakeshore Learning Store. This set includes a (reusable) laminated reward chart, reward coupons, reward stars, a write and wipe pen.

I also use a treasure chest with small toy’s as rewards for positive behaviors (however, if toy rewards aren’t your thing, be creative and come up with other small rewards that your children may like such as: 1 hour of computer time, or an afternoon doing something fun with a parent, and so on).
Developed by teachers and psychologists, this system is really easy to use and if used correctly, can yield positive results as follows:

Helps children learn to work toward a goal
Provide immediate rewards, while teaching delayed gratification
Help children take responsibility for their behavior
Help them understand their family’s needs and how important their own contributions are to the family
Show children they can and do make a difference in their world
Help show the relationship of work to a reward

Using a motivational chart has many advantages. It creates order and a feeling of fairness. It defines each child’s duties and gives children a clear picture of their accomplishments as they document their progress. Here’s how a motivational chart works:

Tasks: Together, you and your child should choose realistic tasks for them to accomplish. Some general categories from which you might create specific tasks are: learning Bible verses, table manners/eating, personal hygiene, getting along with siblings/friends/parents, neatness, controlling temper, asking for permission, household tasks, completing school work, etc. Make sure you choose age appropriate tasks and that each task is explained in detail so your child understands exactly what is expected of them.

Setting Goals:Decide how many times a week each task should be performed. Advice is to use a weekly system because 7 days is a short time frame, and children can relate to it easily. The fun part is choosing the rewards! You should determine how many points a child needs to earn in order to receive the reward. For example, at the bottom of your chart, you may write, “When I make my goal of _______ points, I will receive ____ reward.” The rewards you chose should be specific and motivating. Younger children relate well to rewards such as a movie, small toy or a tasty treat. With older children, you can use bigger rewards such as a trip to an amusement park by breaking up weekly point totals that eventually add up to an unspecified number of at the end of the month needed to receive a big reward!

Chart Progress: As days go by, parent should add points that your child has accumulated daily over the course of the week as tasks are completed. You can also have your child be a part of adding the points….it can give them even a greater sense of accomplishment and be a great motivator to reach their goal.

Achieving Goals:At the end of the week, you and your child count the number of points earned to determine which reward(s) your child will receive!

Keep in mind that if more than one child is participating in the Token Economy System, you may follow the instructions above or you may want to create group tasks allowing children to work together to gain a reward, just chart group points and rewards separately.

Session - One month later...
David, Mary and Ian share about the fun they had this past weekend at a local amusement park. Mary remarks, “Ian is like a different little boy; I mean, he listens and obeys now!” David chimed in, “Yeah, after using the reward system that you suggested for the past month, Ian is now motivated to listen, follow rules and complete his chores at home.” Ian’s teacher also sent home a note earlier this week commending his behaviors in school, adding that he’s completing his school work and his grades have improved. Ian shared that he and his little sister accumulated enough group points completing tasks together at home (i.e., getting along with each other, pulling weeds in the yard over the weekend and studying Bible versus together) that they earned a trip to an amusement park this past weekend.
If the reward system is implemented on a weekly basis until each task becomes a part of your child’s daily routine, you will see many positive changes!

Nicole is available to see clients in Rancho Cucamonga and Victorville. Please call 800-998-6329 TODAY and ask to schedule an appointment with Nicole or a counselor in your area!