Women: Isolation and Loneliness

By Dr.Kevin Downing and Melissa Burns, M.A.

I had the good fortune of being interviewed by the Today’s Christian Woman magazine about … you guessed it... women - and how they cope with isolation and loneliness.

In this article you will find some of the questions they asked along with my answers, and with some wonderful input from TPC Staff Therapist, Melissa Burns M.S.

TCW: Is there a correlation between isolation and loneliness?

KD & MB: At some point there is definitely a correlation between isolation and loneliness. We were created as social beings. Solitary confinement is a form of torture for a human beings - and one of the most cruel. Whether imposed on us or of our own making, we humans will struggle for our sanity if we are alone too long.

TCW: What are some factors that have made us an increasingly isolated society? (e.g. television? home entertainment centers? fast food? crime/terrorism?)

KD & MB: The opposite of loneliness is intimacy. Intimacy has about five levels.

The 1st is the most shallow, simply sharing the same geographic space with someone (we often do this at work).
Next, we share facts, like asking, “How’s the weather?”
After that we reveal our opinions, for instants, “I like the Dodgers baseball team.”
Intimacy then grows to sharing feelings, “It hurts when, people talk about me that way…”
And at very last we share our greatest fears, hopes, dreams – our most personal, private and vulnerable thoughts and feelings.

Consider for a moment what it would be like to remove all the ‘feeling words’ out of the book of Psalms. There would little left. David is neither isolated nor lonely in his relationship with God because he shares his feelings – that is, the matters of his soul with his Maker.

When we understand this we can see how the changes in our society destroy intimacy and accelerate isolation and loneness in people. We are media bombarded and consumed with impossible schedules. We have little time for reflection – we hardly know what going on inside of ourselves – so how can we share in depth with someone else?

Families and communities are fragmented in our day, whether it is due to broken families or moving across the country. Generations ago, people tended not to move far from their families and communities of origin. Today, many people have left these communities and are spread out across the country and the world. Often times jobs will take people far from their family which removes a major form of social support. In Bible times, the Hebrew family consisted of fifty to one hundred people, a small community in and of itself, indeed (Clapp, 1993)! Everybody knew everybody else, including their struggles, and supported one another through thick and thin. Now, we are fortunate if we have one or two relatives living close by.

TCW: Why do we tend to isolate ourselves from others?

KD & MB: There are many reasons. Emotional vulnerability is a risky proposition. We fear rejection. The thought goes like this: "What will you think of me if you really know who I am and what I’m thinking and going through? So, I put up the fake, but then you really are not relating to the real me – and I hate that too."

Part of not isolating is a learned process. The most successful people in life readily admit their weakness and hire out (or seek out) help to make up for their short comings. Didn’t Henry Ford say, “I can answer any question in about an hour”? He seemed to very comfortable in not knowing everything. When are comfortable with our imperfections we usually do much better in connecting with others.

TCW: Has Turning Point noticed an increase in clients who are struggling with loneliness?

KD & MB: We see an increase in loneliness, especially in marriage for a couple of reasons.

First, our expectations have changed for what we think we should be getting from our mates. Stereotypically we see wives (in the counseling room) asking for “emotional safety” and husband who scratch their heads and ask, “Can I get that at Wal-Mart?”

The marriage of our parents and grandparents was what we call the companionable marriage. This is where Mom and Dad with the extended family worked together to overcome the Depression, face war and raise the kids. The generation of our parents was grateful to survive. My Dad (a WWII veteran) once told me, “Kevin, at one point it looked like Hitler was going to take over the world. We were just trying to figure out how to survive – but you guys (i.e. my siblings and I) have to figure out the meaning to life.”

The marriage of the 21st century now expects far more than survival - we want the intimate marriage – and this drive is mostly fueled by women. (And our 20th century guys have a hard time delivering.) Overall women can get what they are after, but they have to be able to ask for what they want in terms that men understand. Criticism won’t get you there. But, asking for what you want in clear terms and expressing appreciation for small successes will get women plenty. At Turning Point Counseling we help wives to be able to think like men and husbands to be able to understand and validate a woman’s feelings – this goes a long way to building a great marriage. We also aim to strengthen the bond between husband and wife so they feel safe to trust, rely and be vulnerable with each other.

Second, (regarding the increase of loneliness) is the breakdown of the family and in particular, the rise in divorce. Few things can create loneliness like divorce. It is definitely one of the most devastating things that can happen to a person. Not only is there the current lose of the marriage, but the future looks grim – with a 75% divorce rate for second marriages and into the 90’s for third marriages. Fortunately, we can now predict divorce (even before the wedding) with better that 90% accuracy. For the person who is willing to really dig and make changes there is tremendous hope and help. And this is true of all aspects of family life – the family is breaking down – but the resources for help are greater than ever. The people who seek help have a clear advantage.

TCW: Who is most at risk for isolation/loneliness? (e.g. stay-at-home moms, senior citizens, singles ... )

KD & MB: There are many factors here. Age is one of them. The older we get the more at risk many of us become for experiencing loneliness. If you take a group of 20 kindergarteners, you’ll find that they have a lot in common and many of them can become friends fairly quickly. If you take the same group of people 60 years later (when they are 65 years old), you will see that they now have very little in common. They have had different careers and lived in different places and lived by very different values. Finding people who we have a lot in common with can become more difficult with age.

Entering into single adult years can be a transition that is particularly prone to loneliness. Through grade school, high school and college our social system or network is “ready made” for us. Then we get shot out into the adult work world - where there is typically little emotional support (because this is not the function of the workplace). Now we have to work at creating the space and time for friends. Some of us are not too successful here - some of us don’t even see it coming. The loneliness can cut like a knife.

People involved with any type of addiction are especially prone to loneliness. Addiction is a direct beeline to the pit of loneliness. Someone once said, “Addiction is the attempt at intimacy without vulnerability.” Addiction is false intimacy – it is loneliness. The high we get (that is, the pseudo-nurturing feeling we receive) from additive behaviors mimics intimacy. The end result is a line of bankrupt relationships and wasted years. No one knows loneliness like an addict.

Isolation can in particular affect childbearing women. Some factors contributing to postpartum depression in women is their relationship with their partner, other children, family of origin, and the infant, and identification of other risk factors and availability of support. It is very important for pregnant and postpartum women to have social support to keep from becoming isolated (Brockington, 2004).

TCW: Do we need to be in communities? What are some negative effects when we isolate ourselves?

KD & MB: God created us to live in community with each other. We can’t know who we are and be whole without being in relationship with others. The church plays an important role in the life of today’s believer. It mmay be the only family that some people have. Ideally, church communities are places where people can experience family and healing as they apply kingdom living.

Self-isolation can lead to depression, and distorted views about God, self and others. There is strength in numbers and the isolated woman can be vulnerable to despair and temptations that the woman with support is not.

TCW: What are some barriers (personal and societal) we have to finding friendship? What steps can individuals take to become more social?

KD & MB: Take action! In kindergarten we are taught “If you want to have friends, you need to be a friend." This still rings true. Be encouraged to take the risk to reach out if you are feeling isolated and/or lonely. You will often find that others feel the same way.

TCW: Is there anything the church can do to combat isolationism/loneliness in our society?

KD & MB: Pastors who own their shortcomings and thereby don’t put up an image of perfection do a lot in overcoming loneliness in their congregations. When they model for their people that you can be a Christian and human at the same time it goes along way. Church members start to think, “If my pastor can admit his faults then so can I.” This is when people start to reach out for help.

Some churches do a fantastic job at providing and promoting small groups for Bible study, prayer, worship and specific need groups like divorce recovery, parenting, marriage workshops and recovery groups like Celebrate Recovery and Overcomer’s Outreach. These groups cut to the soul of our loneliness and bring us into honest, transparent relationships.

Appointments can be made to see Melissa Burns, M.A. at our Monrovia and San Dimas locations.

Melissa is also hosting a 10 Great Dates seminar

At Turning Point Counseling we like to think of ourselves as loneliness busters. Let us know if you would like our help. That's what we are here for! Call today for an appointment at 800 99-TODAY or on the web at TurningPointCounseling.org.