Resolving the big fights over 'small things' in your marriage
By: Dr. Kevin Downing
“We argue about the smallest little things like how to squeeze the toothpaste and which way to put the toilet paper roll on.”
Big fights over small things, is a common theme in the marriage counseling room. Most couples seemed bewildered that they fight over such seemingly insignificant things. It’s not uncommon to here, “We had a really big fight last night but for the life of me I can’t remember exactly what we were fighting about”…and their spouse can’t remember either!
IT’S NOT A SMALL THING -The truth of the matter is that, how you squeeze the toothpaste (and other such matters) is not a small thing at all. It’s a huge matter – because it’s symbolic or tied to something much larger like – tradition, respect, care, love, or the conservation of resources, etc. What is required in marriage here is a deep sense of understanding.
DO YOU LIKE MY NIGHT GOWN?My good friend shares the story of how early in his married life his wife came out of the bathroom to meet him at bed time in a beautiful new flannel night gown… just like his mother used to wear! Needless to say the night gown was loaded with symbolic meaning – in other words it had M-O-T-H-E-R written all over it. As pretty as it was, it was not attractive and had to go!
SHOWER DOORS …Recently my wife told me, “You left the wrong side of the shower doors open again.” I protested, “I’m sure I left it open the way you want it.” She said, “No, I left it for you to see, you left the wrong side open.”
The sliding glass doors to our shower can be left open to the right or the left side. My wife feels the shower airs out better if the right side is open all day. The shower is prone to mildew between the tiles and is really difficult to clean. My wife has been after me for weeks (I hope not months) to leave it open her way.
Here’s the catch – true confession – I have never cleaned that shower – ever! It would be so easy to say she’s making a big deal out of nothing, or that she is micro-managing me, or that she is a ‘control freak’. But because she has brought the topic up to me numerous times – it must be important to her. If I were cleaning that shower it would probably be much more important me as well. The way I leave the shower door open is a practical way of me honoring and respecting her hard work to keep it clean. (Update: this morning I got it right, now for the other 364 days!) I want to send a message to my wife that I value her and her efforts.
Couples in counseling are usually anxious to get to the root or core issues. The things we fight about on the surface are usually tied to these so called core issues.
What do most couples want from their marriages? He’s what I hear in the counseling room…
THE NINETY PERCENT
I love to help married people find a profound understanding of their mate by discovering the ninety percent. Ninety percent of the time when you can’t figure out your spouse I find it is typically just one or two things they are after (what I call their “ninety percent”.)
I’ve counseled many couples where an insecure wife has endlessly peppered her husband with questions about his whereabouts and accused him of lying about his schedule. On the surface, the issue is the debate over the husband’s calendar, but the core issues are her doubts about trusting him and her anxiety about him being truthful with him.
Or, there is the husband who continues to call his wife “selfish” and “self-centered”. This type of character assassination puts her on the defense and debating a futile argument. When she stops to ask, “What can I do that would not be selfish in your eyes?” she finds a surprising response. He wants to be acknowledged for his sacrifices to the family and to not, as he says – “get the short end of the stick.”
A LOOK IN THE BOOK…
Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Proverbs 4:7
Say to wisdom, "You are my sister,"
and call understanding your kinsman. Proverbs 7:4
You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish,
gain understanding. Proverbs 8:5
A patient man has great understanding,
but a quick-tempered man displays folly. Proverbs 14:29
The art of squeezing the toothpaste is the art of intimate love.
Enjoy your squeezing!
By: Dr. Kevin Downing
We
do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom
of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7 No,
we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God
destined for our glory before time began.
I Corinthians 2:6
It
is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of
faith we also believe and therefore speak
II Corinthians 4:13
On
the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel.
We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.
I Thessalonians 2:4
Jonathan,
David's uncle, was a counselor, a man of insight and a scribe.
I Chronicles 27:32
Ahithophel
was the king's (David's) counselor.
I Chronicles 27:33
"To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his.
Job 12:13
And
I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you
forever - the Spirit of truth.
John 14:16-17