"He hasn't listened to me once, in 50 years!!!"
And she wasn't kidding.
The couple I was counseling had been married for 50 years. Each night they told me they would get home and argue for most of the evening - they weren't having fun.
After 50 years of talking to each other the wife was able to declared "You haven't listened to me once…in 50 years".
I decided right then and there that I was going to have this husband listen to his wife. I pulled out my little handout on the Speaker-Listener Technique and ran them through it for about five minute.
Then I asked her "Did your husband just listen to you?" There was a very long pause… Her bottom lip stuck out like - yes, she was pouting - it was hard to give this one up. At last she quietly confessed, "Yes". And I jumped all over it by pronouncing, "You won't be able to say again that your husband has NEVER listened to you because he just did." I find that black and white language (i.e. using words such as always and never are rarely true and are therefore destructive for marriages.)
How good is your marriage communication? Find out by taking the test below...
Is Anyone Listening... In Your Marriage? Test
Results Key:
Zero true responses - Great job.
You more than likely have a marriage where you two are master communicators!
1-3 true responses - You may have some significant communication hurdles.
It is important that you don't let these issues fester for much longer.
4-6 true responses - Warning lights are flashing!
Don't let your communication problems continue on. Reach out for help right away!
7-10 true responses - Stop the bus! You need help right away.
Your marriage may be a significant risk. Consult professional help right away.
The American Indians have something they call the talking stick. They pass this stick around the room and who ever hold it gets to talk…everyone else needs to listen.
This simple yet effective way of communicating changes the punctuation of how they talk to each other. No one is talking over the top of each other or trying to butt their way in.
Great marriages use similar methods. You may have heard of Speaker-Listener, Active Listening or Mirroring (to name a few).
I like to use a version of the Speaker-Listener Technique and here is the simple handout I use with the couples I counsel…
Speaker-Listener Technique
The Speaker
• Has the FLOOR (use this page or some object to represent the FLOOR).
• Speaks for him or herself (i.e. use “I” messages verses “You” messages).
• Be brief (i.e. one to three sentences).
The Listener
• Responds with “I’m hearing you say . . .” (i.e. paraphrase what your partner says without debate or commentary).
• Listen for the BULLS-EYE (i.e. your partner saying, “Yes, that’s right” or “Correct”).
• Ask, “Is there more?”
Looking at Speaker-Listener Technique through theological lenses I often refer to it as ‘Incarnational Communication’. The Incarnation is Jesus. When God takes on the form of human flesh and enters the world He walks in our shoes and the result among many things is a deep understanding of where we are at and what we are going through.
Hebrews Chapter 4 says it this way -
14) “Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens,[e] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15) For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16) Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
The mission of the Speaker-Listener Technique is understanding as well. It is a way of walking with our mate through what they are going through. It requires taking your agenda, rebuttals and reactions off the table and just…listening with understanding.
We find that about 70-80% of a couples marital problems are resolved when they have a fuller understanding of each other (the rest we resolve through problem-solving - which we will cover in another article).
We assign one spouse to be the Speaker and the other to be the Listener. They learn to pass the floor back and forth, several turns each, until they feel they have the understanding of the topic they are addressing.
James Chapter 1:19 sums it up this way -
“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
Improving your communication can positively affect every relationship in your life especially your marriage… and that will be a nice thing when you have been married for 50 years!
We would like to help you with your marriage or family concerns. Please call us at (800) 998-6329 for an appointment. Or apply online for a Professional Christian Counselor in your area at ChristianCounselorLocator.com.
We
do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom
of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7 No,
we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God
destined for our glory before time began.
I Corinthians 2:6
It
is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of
faith we also believe and therefore speak
II Corinthians 4:13
On
the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel.
We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.
I Thessalonians 2:4
Jonathan,
David's uncle, was a counselor, a man of insight and a scribe.
I Chronicles 27:32
Ahithophel
was the king's (David's) counselor.
I Chronicles 27:33
"To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his.
Job 12:13
And
I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you
forever - the Spirit of truth.
John 14:16-17