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There are two kinds of validation, CONFESSIONAL and SITUATIONAL.
Confessional validation says, I CAN SEE HOW YOU’D FEEL… hurt, embarrassed, misunderstood, etc. –(whatever the feeling is that your mate is expressing.) …BECAUSE I DID OR DID NOT… (What your behavior was). For example I’ve had many husbands announce some private matter about their wife or make them the brunt of a “joke” in public. It’s one of those “open mouth, insert other foot” kind of experiences.
Validation, in the aftermath of this situation, may sound something like this, "Dear wife I can see how you would feel very hurt, embarrassed, and angry at me after announcing to your friends at the party last night how much you weigh and telling them that this was your all-time record high".
In some cases these types of hurts go way back in history. In these situations I recommend using the Amends List. This is a guide that will help you recount and heal many hurts in your marriage. It is one of the fastest and most direct ways of turning a troubled marriage around. I recall one husband who had a full six pages of wrongs he could remember that he committed against his wife. One of the things on his list was a public criticism of her recent cosmetic surgery, ouch, that one really hurt. His wife broke into tears as he read his confession. She said, "I didn't even know you remembered or recognized all those things that hurt me".
When we get locked up with defensiveness we lose the ability to understand and empathize with our spouse's point of view. This leaves us lonely, isolated, and sometimes with the feeling like we're going crazy. No one is greater at defensiveness and blame than an addict. But when he or she finally admits they have a problem there is such a relief. Often times the spouse will say I was beginning to think it was all me, that was the whole problem.
We
do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom
of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7 No,
we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God
destined for our glory before time began.
I Corinthians 2:6
It
is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of
faith we also believe and therefore speak
II Corinthians 4:13
On
the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel.
We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.
I Thessalonians 2:4
Jonathan,
David's uncle, was a counselor, a man of insight and a scribe.
I Chronicles 27:32
Ahithophel
was the king's (David's) counselor.
I Chronicles 27:33
"To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his.
Job 12:13
And
I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you
forever - the Spirit of truth.
John 14:16-17