Several years ago Dr. Peter Robbins and I were conducting a workshop entitled “Unwrapping Your Gifts”. During the workshop we passed out 3 x 5 cards and asked people to write down what they would do with their lives if time and money were no issue or concern. We collected the cards and began to read through the responses. Most people wanted to do some kind of missions work or outreach. They wanted to feed the poor and care for the homeless or help needy kids. One person wanted to open up a zoo with free admission. There were all kinds of acts of love - the responses were terrific. I mentioned to the group that no one said they might want be a cocaine dealer or an assassin! It was very clear that what people wanted was good… truly good.
Marriage is the same way. For the most part we all want to have a good life. We want to build happy memories with harmonious marriage relationships. We want to raise wonderful, well balanced kids. In a word our intentions in marriage are very good. I have discovered over the years that in order to keep a marriage vibrant it’s imperative that people share their intentions with one another.
I helped one husband state his intentions to his wife. It sounded something like this...
Dear Julie,
I want you to feel safe in our marriage. I want our marriage to be a place you can share your feelings with me without being criticized or put down. I want you to know that what you want is important to me and I value you so dearly as my wife.
I want you to know that when I chose you the day of our wedding, and have chosen you every day since… I choose you today and for all of our tomorrows. I would love you to feel like the most loved wife in the entire world. And some day when I stand before our Maker, and He asks me, ‘What did you do with my daughter?’ I'll be able to tell Him I loved and cherished you with all of my heart, that I championed your causes and was always faithful to you.
Needless to say - he scored big points. It was also a far cry from the criticizing and the ‘fixing’ he had been doing.
Also I noticed that the message he spoke to his wife parallels what we often hear in our wedding vows. One of the great disciplines of marriage is to be able to recite or revisit your wedding vows. Your ability to improvise on the themes of your vows in the every day events of life is very important.
Husbands, when you get stuck and can't figure things out, say simply three things...
Your wife is plenty smart enough to know that all of life's problems can't be solved in an instant. But to hear your creative expression of your vow of marriage is a sweet and reassuring thing.
Another great way of stating your intentions in marriage is to listen to the negative from your mate, then turn it around 180°.
One husband said ‘I feel so unappreciated and taken for granted in this marriage. I feel like nothing more than a paycheck to this family’. His wife had to ask herself, ‘Is that how I want my husband to feel? …of course not.’ After a little work in counseling she was able to say to her husband, ‘I so appreciate your hard work and perseverance. You provide so well for our marriage, and for our children. You work long and hard hours, and it is taken years of dedication to get where you are in the workplace now. You give your most prized possession to provide for our home and that is your life. Every day you give up a little bit more of yourself to create the lifestyle that we enjoy. Thank you for working so hard for family’.
When she spoke these words to her husband, his response was this. ‘I've never heard you say that ever before’. I told her she did a great job and that if she told
her husband this affirmation every day, he wouldn't get tired of hearing it for a very long time, and the husband agreed.
What are your intentions in your marriage?
How would you like for your mate to feel?
What would you like for your spouse to know about your motivations,
intensions and dreams for your marriage?
What is your prayer for your mate?
If you want to supercharge this exercise, write your answers down on a piece of paper. (We write down things that are important.) Next, take your mate out for a special time together. Read to him or her what you have written. We simply call this “STATING YOUR INTENTIONS”.
“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Proverbs 25:11
We
do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom
of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7 No,
we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God
destined for our glory before time began.
I Corinthians 2:6
It
is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of
faith we also believe and therefore speak
II Corinthians 4:13
On
the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel.
We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.
I Thessalonians 2:4
Jonathan,
David's uncle, was a counselor, a man of insight and a scribe.
I Chronicles 27:32
Ahithophel
was the king's (David's) counselor.
I Chronicles 27:33
"To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his.
Job 12:13
And
I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you
forever - the Spirit of truth.
John 14:16-17