Putting Feelings into Words, Good or Bad?

by Keith Askin, MA MFT Registered Intern

Putting our feelings into words

A new brain imaging study by UCLA psychologists reveals that talking with a therapist or friend, or writing in a journal helps us feel better.  Verbalizing our feelings makes our sadness, anger and pain less intense. Do a quick internet search on “talking about feelings and emotions” and you will find all kinds of help learning how to put feelings into words. Some wonder why a study was needed to confirm talking about feelings is healing.  I believe the study is important because it adds yet another scientific validation to a long held opinion. Perhaps it may offer the tipping point for the suspicious doubtful population that may never seek counseling otherwise. 

Speak the feelings and stress decreases

Brain imaging can see the portion of the brain that lights up when individuals experience sadness, anger and pain. The study showed pictures that would trigger these feelings, and the subjects were asked to read and speak words written at the bottom of the pictures. When the words were factual information, like stating it was a man or woman in the picture, the stress center of the brain stayed hot or in stress. On the other hand, when the words described the feelings being experienced in the pictures, an interesting thing happened. The stress center of the brain cooled down and the subjects stress subsided.

The important difference was another part of the brain that processes information to read with the eyes and translate to verbal words became active. I like to think it may be a process like the pressure relief valve on everyone’s hot water heater. If the water gets too hot, rather than exploding, the relief valve opens and safely relieves the pressure. Some families may be described as a bunch of exploding hot water heaters and everyone ends up getting scalded. So, helping families develop a safety valve that can produce a real warm Jacuzzi effect might be real cool.

So, how do we learn the, “Don’t Talk Rule”
Here are some examples I have experienced and clients have shared:

“Do as I say, not as I do.”
“You should have known better.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to really cry for.”

Unfortunately we learn “Don’t bother me with the truth, I already have my mind made up.” Then we have the Drug Problem,

“I didn’t have a problem until I was DRUG to counseling by my wife-husband-principal-judge”.
“You can’t make me talk.”
“I may be sitting down on the outside but I’m standing up on the inside.”

Don’t talk is learned through toxic relationship experiences
Let’s see how Ted and Mary can show us the dance (their real names have been changed for privacy reasons). After 35 years of marriage, Ted demanded a divorce from Mary, so Mary drug Ted to now the second counselor. Mary said the first counselor was bad because he did not convince Ted to stay and she was asked why she just didn’t agree to a divorce. So she demanded they see a Christian counselor because God hates divorce. Ted said he was here because Mary wanted him there.

A Correcting relationship experience
Realizing most show up to counseling with toxic relationship histories, I like to model a safer more respectful style. So I asked Ted & Mary “not to trust me and to question everything I say and do. Because sooner or later I was going to mess up, and if they let me know, I would make every effort to take responsibility, make repairs and adjust my behavior to treat them with the safety and dignity that they deserved.” You could have heard a pin drop. I continued with, “if you don’t tell me, I may not realize my error and you will never know if I speak the truth about me or not.” It’s kind of like we are all on a journey looking for the truth and we have been lied to so much, it’s hard to tell when the truth is staring us right in the face. So, could we agree to drop finding who to blame and claiming what is right and wrong and let’s just try to NOTICE the DANCE that takes place.

Can’t stop anything without something more positive to put in its place
Hesitatingly and suspiciously they agreed to try to find the truth under all the confusion. Finally, Ted said “Mary is controlling and 30 years ago she told me she didn’t love me, so I swore I would never tell her I loved her again so I wouldn’t be hurt any more, and she is very critical of me.” Mary proudly affirmed she knew she was very critical but was shocked, hearing the “I don’t love you” for the first time, denying she ever said such a thing, then retracting it, then denied it again, with an uncomfortable glance at me and her husband. Mary said she was overly critical and she knew it but she wanted Ted to do what he was supposed to do as a Christian and stay with her because it would devastate her if he left her alone. I grew up in a Church family and you just don’t do that. I don’t even know if Ted is a Christian. So I asked if their dance sound something like this. Mary decides what is right and wrong and makes everyone meet the expectations and Ted either goes along with it or out of a grudge gets sneaky and does what he wants behind Mary’s back until he decides to just plain drag his feet, at which time Mary feels totally helpless and angry. They both agreed, I got it.

Ted’s toxic don’t talk about feelings wounds
Ted said he really placed high value in honesty and Mary agreed he was an honest man. I explained how it appeared Ted had an internal conflict, believing in honesty and keeping his wound a secret for 30 years. So, “tell me what it was like growing up at home?”  Ted explained how he got in a lot of trouble until his parents got so forceful he learned to never talk about any feelings to anyone because it just comes back to bite you.

There it was, Ted learned the “Don’t Talk about Feelings Rule”, so of course he didn’t have a clue how to express his hurts. Oops. Correction they expressed their feelings all right. There were plenty of examples of attacks and put downs at each other.

Mary’s toxic "I got to get everything right" wounds
Mary on the other hand expressed why it was so important for her to get everything right, but maybe I’m wrong, am I right? Both agreed Mary was a real right and wrong, black and white kind of woman. When asked “what it was like at home when she grew up?” she told how her Mom was a real embarrassment and irresponsible. Dad left, she believed because Mary wasn’t good enough. And, her step-father was a minister that preached the good stuff but tortured and taunted Mom and the kids. To avoid the family secret shame she believed she had to keep everyone in order to protect the Christian family.

Shame and blame game teaches don’t talk about feelings
Their feeling language consisted of two main statements. First, “You hurt me…! The second, “I don’t like that….!” In both cases, the silent implication was “and boy are you really going to pay now!” This was the end of their feeling words, and both feel like attacks. Unfortunately, both were stuck in a Family of Origin dance, never talking about the real feeling stuff, Ted taking the shots and stuffing them until he blew. Mary worked so hard at trying to get everything so right, having lived in a glass bowl being a Minister’s kid, experiencing so many ungodly things at home.

Here are two very wonderful people stuck in this unhealthy painful dance attacking each other because no one ever helped them safely and respectfully express their feelings except through attacks.

We are not bad, we were never taught how to safely and respectfully express our feelings.
Intimacy thrives where vulnerable feelings can be safely expressed and respectfully validated without being punished, ridiculed or told what to do. The diagnosis was "lack of safe expression of feelings". So, the treatment plan started with:

(A) Learning the safe expression of lots of different feeling words in a gentle manner.

(B) Learning how to validate and affirm the other’s thoughts and feelings by becoming a good active listener.

(C) Deciding to be a team looking for solutions that are in both of their growth and healing.

 Blessed are those who grieve the hurts and losses from their families of origin.

Matthew 5:1-12 teaches us the second most important blessing God promises us.

And seeing the multitudes, He went up on a mountain, and when He was seated His disciples came to Him.  Then He opened His mouth and taught them, saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.  Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.  Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  "Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

When we choose to grieve the hurts and losses from our past we will be blessed with comfort.  The first teaching is, we are blessed when we realize our need for God’s loving truth. After looking for God’s will rather than our will, and healing from our grief we can find the clarity and serenity to be blessed by being gentle, humble, merciful, and thirsty for the truth…. Ezra 10:1, “The People Confess their sin:, While Ezra prayed and made this confession, weeping and lying face down on the ground in front of the Temple of God, a very large crowd of people from Israel—men, women, and children—gathered and wept bitterly with him.”

Healthy Grieving never includes demands and attacks. Healthy grieving occurs in safe nurturing relationship where talking and writing about our feelings results in soothing connection. 1 Corinthians 13:1 [Love Is the Greatest] If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

In conclusion,
Scientifically the study documents, just speaking our feelings can reduce feelings of pain. However, we learn it isn’t safe to talk about feelings in relationships with hurtful humans.

1. Learning to talk about feelings is only the first part.
2. The second part is learning who safe nurturing people are and choosing to share feeling with them.
3. And the last part is learning how to be one of those safe nurturing people who can hear and validate the feelings of others.

Turning Point Counseling offers tender loving help for grieving and healing from serious emotional wounds

Keith is available to see clients in the San Dimas area. If you need a closer location, we have over 30 satellite offices in Southern California.

Call us today! 800-998-6329 to schedule an appointment