WILL I LOSE MYSELF IF I’M INVOLVED WITH YOU?
FACTS AND FALLACIES OF INTIMACY: PART 1
By Dr. Kevin Downing
WHEN YOU GIVE INTO PEOPLE PLEASING YOU:
- Lose relationship with God among the demands of needy people.
- Obsess intensely over what others think about you.
- See no opinion.
- Listen more to what others say than what they do.
- Are exhausted with demanding and un-fulfilling relationships. Many if not all become “missionary projects.”
- Survive from one crisis to another.
- Experience a host of stress related illnesses.
- Feel obligated to give and resent it.
- Will attempt to reconcile with another at any price.
- Labor more and more and are left empty and unproductive.
- Are easily manipulated by flattery.
- Feel insecure and out of place most of the time.
- Often see yourself as worthless and of little to no value.
- Are willingly torn to shreds by people the Bible refers to as swine, dogs and wolves.
- Can become sexually entangled in illegitimate and abusive relationships.
- Are so consumed with the faults of loved ones that you do not see your own contributions to relationship problems.
- Become blurred and confused in your personal direction.
- Have buried anger and resentment as primary feelings.
- Violate personal beliefs and standards to “make others happy.”
- Lie about feelings of being taken advantage of and other hurts.
- Are easily fooled by false promises and token efforts to change by manipulators.
- Enable partners to drink, use drugs and abuse others in the name of “helping them.”
- Try to create close friendships with people whose only agenda is to “suck you dry.”
- Have few hobbies and personal interests because energies are spent people pleasing.
- Feel that life is out of control with no way that it can be changed.
- Deny the still small voice of the Holy Spirit especially if it involves risk or conflict.
- Feel responsible for other people’s behavior.
- May allow spouse or others to mistreat your children and family.
- See significant others as your “life,” salvation and means of fulfillment.
- Have little or no time for recreation and solitude.
- Are waiting passively for a miracle to solve your problems.
THE PRACTICE OF SERVANTHOOD GIVING:
- Maintain a close relationship with God while serving others through your calling.
- Acknowledge that rejection and being misunderstood are inevitable.
- See many options.
- Judge a person’s character more by their actions, than by their words.
- Allow time for restoration and relaxation without guilt!
- Chose thriving and growth over mere survival.
- Reduce your stress by having realistic expectations of God, yourself and others.
- Chose to give and enjoy it.
- Recognize that reconciliation takes the effort of two people not just one.
- Do less with greater success and satisfaction.
- Recognize the difference between sincere feedback and attempts to manipulate.
- Experience secure feelings and a sense of belonging.
- Recognize that you are precious creations of God called to be his ambassador.
- Recognize the evil of some individuals and relate with strong boundaries or not at all.
- Are able to maintain sexual boundaries because the bases (good relationships, faith, and recreation, clear calling) are established and practiced.
- Are able to see the short comings of yourself and loved ones, yet choose to focus on how you can respond to others and grow.
- Experience clarity and focus in your personal mission and dream.
- Are able to express anger in an appropriate and productive way.
- Hold onto your integrity, knowing that there will be negative responses.
- Honest about situations that cause you to feel violated.
- Looks for consistent ongoing changes by those who are promising reforms.
- Recognize that “helping can be harmful” and are able to pull away allowing partners to hit bottom if necessary (Jesus and the rich young ruler)
- Realize that an inner circle of friends where there is mutual support and love is necessary (e.g. Jesus and Peter, James and John.)
- Actively participate in hobbies or interests that are restoring and fulfilling.
- Feel that goals are accomplished in life and are eager to accomplish more.
- Risks following the creative call of the Spirit into new and different adventures.
- Are responsible to others but not for their choices.
- Will demand safety and dignity for your children and other loved ones.
- Enjoy the richness relating to others can bring while maintaining your own calling and life goals.
- Wisely choose time for recreation and are comfortable with and look forward to being alone.
- Become a miracle through action and faith to solve many problems.
Dr. Downing is available to see clients at the La Mirada office. Call 1-800-998-6329 today to schedule an appointment!
