It was over twenty years ago that I had my first job working at a Psychiatric Hospital. A young 16 year old gal came to the hospital after trying to kill herself through a drug overdose. I was assigned to be her counselor and we hit it off very well until her family came to visit. During our first family counseling session her mother, step-father and aunt all had nose bleeds. I thought this was so unusual and wondered how three adults could have this happening at the same time (I was so naïve!!!). In short order I figured out that they were all cocaine addicts. (Snorting the cocaine up their noses causes the bleeding.) I remember so well confronting them about their drug use – and then one of them who said they wanted to tear my throat out. Somehow graduate school had not prepared me for this moment! It’s no wonder people did not talk about drugs in this family - you just might get killed! I remember blundering through those first few sessions, but in no time at all I got really good at the skill of - confrontation.
I also discovered early on in my counseling experiences that many married couples have tremendous difficulty in talking about tough issues with their mate. Some couples go for incredibly long stretches without talking about sexual problems, financial concerns (like overspending and debt), addictions, parenting problems and the list goes on and on. Some couples have NEVER talked about these issues.
Here is a game plan for confronting your mate or family member that I’ve used successfully for many years.
Common questions about confrontation in marriage…
Q: Do I need to confront everything in my marriage?
A: You probably can’t confront everything – so the answer is “no”. It’s important that you choose your battles wisely. So ask God for what is most important and go after those things. As my wife has often said, “Some things are better left unsaid” and these would be the less important issues. On the other hand some things really need to be addressed and right away. Although you will not talk about everything, you do need to have an honest relationship with your mate. What things would your spouse be hurt by if they were not discussed?
Q: We have a history of violence and verbal abuse in our marriage and this makes me not want to confront for fear that things could get violent again, or there may be retaliation without violence – I don’t want that either.
A: You definitely need to have professional help in your situation. To be intimidated into silence will hurt you and your marriage in the short and long run. On the other hand you don’t want to be the target of violence or retaliation. Having a professional Christian counselor as your guide and referee (if necessary) would be an extremely wise move on your part. I encourage you to get help right away.
Q: It doesn’t matter what approach I use, we have a certain topic that whenever it is brought up we always break out into a big fight. What should we do?
A: Every couple has one of these log-jams from time to time (some have many). It is important to eliminate these as quickly as possible or to shakes hands with the fact that this may be what is called a perpetual issue. (A perpetual issue is an ongoing conflict that has no immediate solution and where both husband and wife recognize it as such and come to some compromise. An example of this is the Jew and the Catholic who marries and has children together – and both want to bring the children up in their faith! You can imagine what the compromises on this might be…). Log-jams and perpetual issues usually need some professional help as with the above question. Do reach out for help right away!
A Look in the Book:
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15
Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man”! 2 Samuel 12:7 (Read this chapter to see the amazing confrontation of David by Nathan – regarding David’s sin with Bathsheba.) Note that Nathan was 1) sent by God to tell the truth, 2) to prepare David for the confrontation with a story, and 3) to drive home his confrontation.
“Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth”. Proverbs 16:13
“What will I do when God confronts me? What will I answer when called to account?” Job 31:14
What happened to the 16 year old in the hospital?
She did indeed survive her suicide attempt. It was, at the time, the only way she knew how to reach out for help for herself and her family. In a short while though, she learned to speak the truth in love and eventually carried a very good practice into her own marriage. It was a real honor to be part of this brave young person’s life!Dr. Kevin Downing
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We
do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom
of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. 7 No,
we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God
destined for our glory before time began.
I Corinthians 2:6
It
is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of
faith we also believe and therefore speak
II Corinthians 4:13
On
the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel.
We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.
I Thessalonians 2:4
Jonathan,
David's uncle, was a counselor, a man of insight and a scribe.
I Chronicles 27:32
Ahithophel
was the king's (David's) counselor.
I Chronicles 27:33
"To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his.
Job 12:13
And
I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you
forever - the Spirit of truth.
John 14:16-17